A lot of you know that life around the Peterson household
has been pretty difficult lately. A lot of you also don’t know that. Either
way, most of you haven’t gotten to pick my brain and know what is going on and
how I’m feeling about a lot of it, so I’m here to vent/open up my mind to the
rest of you.
On October 10th I decided to take a pregnancy
test because I had been feeling a little off. To my surprise, it came back
positive. I was so excited! I’ve been pretty baby hungry for some time now.
After telling Tyson, I took two more and both came back positive. We scheduled
a doctors appointment and of course, positive. Things starting moving pretty
quickly after that. I started getting my blood tested, we started planning out
how we were going to announce our wonderful news to everyone we knew, and we
started planning for the future. We told close family and that was about it for
fear of miscarriage. Can you guess what I’m going to say next? I had a
miscarriage. I lost the baby just before I was 7 weeks. It is hands down one
the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I knew I was pregnant for two
weeks, and I was so in love with who that baby was going to be and I couldn’t
wait to meet him/her. Excitement doesn’t even come close to describing how I
felt about my angel child.
When I first thought I had miscarried I was at work and there
was blood. A lot of it. I immediately called my dr but I knew in my heart that
something wasn’t right. I spent the next two days at home because I couldn’t do
a lot because I was in a lot of pain. My dr called me first thing Friday morning
to confirm that I had, in fact, lost the baby. I have been wanting a child for
so long and it seems like everyone around me is having babies. I was (and still
am) heartbroken, but I was also really frustrated. I felt like it wasn’t fair
that there were people I knew who didn’t even want to have children and they
have them. People who weren’t expecting
it but they were able to have a child. There are also a lot of people that are
pregnant with their first child and they didn’t miscarry. All of these things
hurt! It has been an inner struggle I’ve been dealing with for weeks now.
On that note, I also understand that my child needed a body.
There is no doubt in my mind that my baby had a heartbeat. I know that it
needed a body to return to our Heavenly Father. I also know that some spirits
are too sweet and perfect for earth.
Some spirits just need to obtain that body so they can complete the plan
of salvation in their own life. For that I am extremely grateful. It is still
just as hard as it was the first day I found out that I had miscarried, but
knowing that I was an instrument in the Lords hands has helped me deal with the
loss I have felt since my hopes for the future were shattered.
The other reason things have proven to be difficult comes
with the loss of my sweet, sweet grandpa. It’s hard to find words for this one.
He was absolutely amazing and I love him more than there are words. My grandma
was married to my grandpa for 18 years. He is the only grandfather I ever knew
and he is the very best one I could have asked for. We all knew it was coming
for some time but even with that knowledge, death didn’t come easy. My grandpa
became unresponsive about 3 days before he passed away. He was basically made
comfortable until he passed into the afterlife. I was worried about not
spending enough time with him and I was worried that if I went to the rest home
that I would regret seeing him in his current condition. When I heard that he
was unresponsive I decided to go see him anyway and I’m forever grateful that I
did. I sat with my grandma for about an hour and a half that night and I feel
like we just spent time together and my grandpas presence was still there.
On Saturday, I was running late to go see him and was getting
a little worried because I had been told his breathing had slowed down. I made
it out there at about 3pm and shortly after I arrived so did my mom and sister.
Not ten minutes later my grandpa
breathed his last breath. Whether I am wrong or right, I feel like he waited
for us to get there before letting go. I am forever grateful that I could be by
his side as he passed from this life. I was able to give him one last hug and
kiss and say goodbye while I felt like it was still him.
There are a lot of reasons to be sad. I’ve more namely
struggled just with my own thought processes. I think about how he will never
know my children, and how he will miss so much of our lives, and how whenever I
go over to my grandmas house the chair he sat in is empty and he is nowhere to
be found. All of these things KILL me. I can’t stand that I don’t get to see
him anymore. Then I also remember there are reasons to be happy. I’m foolish
for thinking he won’t ever meet my children because he has probably already met
and embraced them up in Heaven. The veil is so thin that he can always peek in
and see what we’re doing and let us feel his spirit with us. I’m overwhelmed
with joy when I think of all of these things. I’m caught in some weird limbo
between comfort and sorrow and I just feel like I need to be sad for a while
before I can be completely at peace with his passing. It has not been taken
lightly.
Anyway, thanks for sticking around while I dumped my thoughts
onto this page. I hope it gives some insight as to why I’ve maybe been a little
distant or unresponsive to certain topics of conversation. Tyson and I just both need adequate time to
deal with these hardships. XOXO Lacey.
