There. I told you up front. If you don't want to hear my exact thoughts on the last year, then just stop reading now. I'm going to share (some of) my thoughts and experiences from the last year. I want to say right up front I don't want to come off preachy or as some crazy miscarriage awareness advocate. I simply want people to be aware of the things they say before they say them.
To start, miscarriage is a very hard, very lonely path. I was surprised to hear from so many people going through the same thing I was after my post last year just after it all happened. Miscarriage is common. It affects one in four women. But nobody talks about it? I am still trying to figure this out. Sharing my story is something I have contemplated a lot. I have battled myself for weeks trying to decide if I would blog about the last year or not. Ultimately, obviously, I decided to. Why not use my misfortune as a comfort to somebody else? Why not use it to make people aware and responsible for the things they say passively? Why not sacrifice a little bit of privacy to help somebody who maybe needs to hear my story? Why not.. So here I am. Typing my story.
I'll begin after my blog post nearly a year ago. The amount of responses I received was overwhelming. Messages of love and support. Talks from the prophets and apostles on dealing with loss. Thank you for those. I also received some that rubbed me the wrong way. People I haven't talked to in years wanting to get lunch and talk about our misfortunes as if it was something that would bring us closer. I refuse to talk about something so personal with somebody I don't know. But, for the most part, they were supportive and that's all I could ask for. The last year has been a very challenging one for me. If I am being perfectly honest here, I have wallowed in my sorrow for far too long. I just can't seem to let it go. I feel like I've come to terms with the loss but not the might have beens. I don't think I will fully be healed until I get that positive pregnancy test back. Until I'm holding that baby in my arms and I finally know that we made it.
Tyson and I dealt with the miscarriage smack dab in the middle of fall semester. It happened on a Thursday. I was at work and started to not feel very good. I went to the restroom and there it was. Blood. I immediately called my doctor and couldn't even get through the voicemail telling of my discovery without crying. I knew. I hoped for a positive outcome but deep in my heart I knew what was happening. I walked over to get my bag and leave, trying not to cry. My coworker asked me what was wrong and I responded through bursting tears, "I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage." My doctor called me back quickly and I drove straight from work to get my blood tested. I called Tyson on the way there and told him the news. I went home and honestly I just cried, tried to make myself comfortable because it is a painful process, and laid in bed. It was October 23rd and I will never forget that day. My doctor called me in the morning to confirm my assumptions. I had miscarried. But, come Monday, Tyson and I went on with our regular routines of work and school. That was the problem. I don't feel we ever had adequate time to mourn. Maybe I would feel better about things now if we had. Maybe I wouldn't be so bitter.
Anger has easily been my go to emotion. I have no idea why and I'm not sure I ever will. I feel more anger than sorrow even sometimes. I mean, I get angry at the fact that I feel angry about it. So, sorry if in the last year I have made snarky comments or given dirty looks when something is said that offends me. I have come to realize how entirely insensitive some people can be without even realizing they have been insensitive to somebody in the first place. I can't even express how many times I have been talking with somebody who has a child and I've heard the phrase "well it's not that great anyways." Really? You're going to tell that to somebody who physically can't have a baby right now? Or how many times I have been asked when we're going to have kids like its something I have control over. Especially by people who are aware of the miscarriage. I have come to hate that word. I have come to dodge any conversation about children when at all possible. Every single time somebody makes a comment to me that feels insensitive, I can't help but think they should just keep their mouths shut. Like I said before, I'm being brutally honest here. It's hard to be fully happy for people when they announce a pregnancy. It's nothing personal but it just reminds me that I'm not announcing. When I hear of another pregnancy, my heart sinks. This last year my emotional capacity has been non existent.
Tyson and I officially began he process of trying to conceive(TTC) at the end of July. That may not seem like a long time but after months of my body freaking out after the miscarriage it feels like a decade. I am currently taking Clomid along with a few other drugs to speed up this process. I am so excited about this! It is very trying though, I'll be honest. We are in month three and every time I start a new cycle I am both grateful for the regularity and disappointed/frustrated at the fact that this month wasn't our month. The hardest thing to hear, but at the same time the most comforting, is "it will happen in Gods time." I know this more than I know anything else. It's just hard to accept because I am not patient and I am extremely stubborn.
TTC has been interesting for me. I'm excited for obvious reasons but I find myself frustrated a lot. The medications I take make me VERY hormonal. They make me break out, they make me nauseous two weeks out of every month, they put me in pain a lot of the time, and they taste disgusting. BUT!! I know that in the end, hopefully, we will get a child out of all of this. I would do it a thousand times over if I had to. A million.
Now back up a little. June 13th. My due date. As we approached this date I dreaded it more than anything. I just knew it was going to be a hard one for me. The morning of, Tyson and I went on a hike with Jadyn and Jake in Snow Canyon. If I remember correctly, we spent a good amount of the day together. I hadn't even thought about what day it was. Stacy had texted both Tyson and I that morning and included words of love and comfort. I was so confused because it felt so random until later that night when I remembered what day it was. Since I know Stacy and my Mom will read this I want to thank them. Thank you for the text Stacy, and thanks for the phone call Mom. I needed love and comfort that day and your simple acts made me feel both of them. I love you both so much. I'm also grateful Heavenly Father let me forget about what day it was. There were a lot of other things that happened over the summer but I don't want to get into them. So let's jump forward to present October. This month has been hard and emotional because a year ago on the 10th I took that first pregnancy test. A year ago we were announcing our good news. And a year ago, on the 23rd, I lost the baby. A year ago I started down a road that I had no idea existed. I should have a child right now and I don't. I think that at least once a day. At least when we're done with all of this Tyson and I will finally have a child. I will be so very grateful for that child. I can not wait until that day.
I want to conclude by saying that I hope this post gives people insight into my mind even if just a little. I sincerely hope people think about what they say before they speak. Even if you don't mean to, your words can really hurt somebody more than you know. I pray that I have never made another person feel the way I have felt by words I have said. You can't know how hurtful it can't be unless you're on the other end of it and nobody would expect you to know either. Thank you, thank you for sticking around and reading this.
**I don't want to leave Tyson out either. It's not just the woman that experiences the loss when a miscarriage takes place. Tyson, you are the love of my life and I adore you with all that I am. Thanks for just knowing when to hold me all of those nights I just laid there and cried. Thanks for putting up with my mood swings, and thank you for loving me like you do. You are my life.
I also wanted to include this photo I took for a photography assignment. I took it to show the frustration/disappointment that comes along with TTC.
